Junsu, Yoochun, Jaejoong, Changmin, and Yunho.
Five names that invoke a strong image: Dong Bang Shin Ki, or Tohoshinki if you were in Japan, but an image that generally connotes something almost to mythical proportions these days, especially in the young hearts of countless females around the globe. Yet what is this image? For many, it points to something entirely beyond words: purity, innocence, joy, this incredible spirit full of life, exuberance and fun. And at the same time, within the joy the names also symbolize a sense of determination, strength combined with vulnerability, the brotherhood of all-for-one, and one-for-all. These names provoke the image of this incredible collective energy of striving one’s wildest wishes, passion and dreams, dreams that only the bravest dreamers dare to dream. And in some ways, it would seem that these five boys captured their dreams. Or so we thought. I mean the Cassies, the fans that follow this infamous South Korean boy band who had now managed to penetrate the general psyche of so many all over the world, the band of boys that inspires such feelings of fascination, admiration, and genuine love with the rawness of their insanely publicly documented and viewable lives. Their wit, their broad range of talents, their process and growth of evolving from shy, timid teenagers that dared to dream and were willing to sacrifice all in order to become the stars that they are today. And fast forward to now: the underbelly of what could be the shadow that we had not seen before up until the past year. The underlying greed stemming from 13 year contracts, the manipulative nature of the entertainment business, the invisible hands that seem to control their fate, and the ugliness of human division and conflicts and the pain that could rise from such happenings.
Innocence is meant to be lost; all cultures across the board depict such tragedies.
So even the Gods fought between themselves, and had to know the bittersweetness of sorrow and pain. I mean Cassies knew that these boys can endure with a capital E: most of them had been through hell and back. We know that in their attempts of getting ahead, being chosen, and standing for what they wanted, they had to survive poverty, hunger, injuries, threats, criticisms, intense insecurities, scrutiny, opposition, and finally they were able to stand at the top of the hill and be recognized for the persons they’ve had managed to become, against all odds. Top entertainers, singers, dancers, practically a cultural phenomenon onto itself for tens and thousands of fans that wanted love, comfort, joy and hope. Our boys stood for these things, these priceless ideals, and this was the image they created that we LOVE. This unbreakable bond between the boys that have had always, always wanted the same things: to band together and to shine. To shine in spite of the darkness in the night sky, perhaps to shine even more so because of going against the darkness of the night sky, and certainly it was no accident that their fan club was named after one of the most beautiful constellations in the night sky: Cassiopeia. The shape of the letter W, a miracle turned upside down perhaps if you were to invert the letter M, and that takes us to where we are today.
Upside down. Miracle gone awry, at least for now.
Yes, even Cassies have had to grow up, too, as we now watch the five members cry, stumble, and worst of all, leave one another behind in some way shape or form. Gone were the days of getting into position to ready themselves for the public (who could forget how Jaejoong called for “Changmin, Changmin, Changmin” that one time Changmin wasn’t by his side during the A-nation interview?). Gone were the days of playing paper, rock, scissor to decide who was going to do the dishes, the easy, simple laughter from just being together, and the moments of all that they needed were one another. No more trips back and forth between the airports and numerous destinations as one group, no more automatic flanking to protect one another when situations arose where they needed each other’s help, no more singing, dancing, performing on the stage as one group, and no more, my god, no more goofing around as five like the innocent spirits that they were that we loved ever so dearly. No, no more Jaejoong running in front of the camera yelling “Nandayo, nandayo, nandayo?” while Yoochun looked on with playful contempt on his face. No more Changmin getting in front of the camera and talking about how his eyes were charming while his hyungs creating all sorts of ruckus in the background to drive him nuts during the interview. No more Junsu losing himself in the dance and performing by himself for ten whole seconds with the rest of the members cracking up and pulling him back to wrap up the performance. No more Yoochun chewing a mouthful of food in the back seat of the van yet ever so adoringly joining in on Junsu and Jaejoong’s harmony in front of the camera. No more Yunho getting down on his knees praying right before being raised up onto the stage as the magnificent leader dancer that took our breath away in the beginning of Rising Sun. God knows only how much it took for the five boys to get to that level of intuitive cohesiveness: it was such an amazing process so much so that, all over the world, Cassies stood and watched with bated breath and such immense ever-growing amazement and love. God knows only how much these boys had sacrificed and risked to get to where they are today. God only knows. Sure they gained so much, but who knows how much they’ve lost along the way?
Yet, we know.
Yeah, we know, or at least we can imagine more than anyone else from watching how they’ve grown together to guess how much they depended on one another. We watched. We searched the net for any and every of viewable moments of their lives. We translated and subbed all of them so Cassies all over the world joined hands whether we knew one another or not (and who, who do you think inspired this kind of togetherness?) We know. We watched. We saw. We saw Jaejoong peeling open the sausages faster than anyone on the Hey Hey Hey show and how happy the members were so much so they burst into the group hugs that brought such smiles to all of our faces: ah how innocent our boys were. We saw how Changmin was shy in front of the camera and wouldn’t speak much while being interviewed, yet persisted to ask Jaejoong if he was going to marry the motorcycle if he loved it so much once he was alone with his hyungs. We saw Junsu playfully singing teletubbies one moment in the van and blowing us all out of the water singing passionately Asu Wa Kuru Kara the next. We saw Yoochun’s epic falling flat on his bottom while attempting to perform Tae Kwon Do, bringing us such joy with his silliness . We saw Yunho always jumping ahead to support and protect his members again and again throughout the endless interviews. We know, and I know, that we can all easily name and count even more these moments: like that one time when Yoochun couldn’t barely keep his eyes open during the interview at Deep Sea Fish during the early days in Japan and how he joked to say that he was not only weak in the mornings but at night also. That one time when Changmin said of course he wanted to share with his hyungs but first he had to survive most of all (and who doesn’t know that the size of his stomach was the equivalent of the entire universe?) That one time when Junsu played with the Japanese fans and yelled out “Who’s that?” That one time when Jaejoong getting depressed during an interview because he used way too many emoticons while texting the members, or that one time he said to Changmin, “Ye, Yoochun is dying!” Or that one time when Yunho talked about how he had to sleep in subway stations and how, even so, he still managed to always smile brilliantly and showed us his bravery in always giving us the best, most he’s got? You remember, right? All of those moments? The boys gave us the best parts of their lives to be shared by hundreds and thousands of fans, and we are not even getting into all the beautiful couple moments and already we are moved by the love that we were lucky enough to witness and embrace all these years. We woooed and ahhhhed over their each little movements and words like we would little babies, perhaps because we knew we were watching something great being born. Five amazing talents. Five precious inspirations that started out as awkward, self-conscious and almost ordinary teenage boys that latched onto their dreams and gave it more than their all and somehow managed to collide into one another, over and over and over again, so that they shine like diamonds today. Five, five that made one whole. One brilliant, unimaginable whole that gifted our lives, those of us who are lucky enough to call ourselves that called cassies.
Cassiopeia. Yeah.
You ask me if I am crying. I will tell you that I am.
So yes, even Cassies have had to grow up, too. Peter Pan left never, neverland and Wendy had to grow old. And now Tohoshinki is now leaving theirs, too, even only just for now, and that’s enough to break all of our hearts one some level. Think happy thoughts, the fairy tale says, and I think about how Junsu had to find out that there was no Santa Claus at age 14, and I picture that innocent boy crying and refusing to eat after realizing such truths, and I think about all the Cassies all over the world post July, 2009, and my heart breaks some more. Without knowing why, without having any words to explain any of this, my heart hurts.
Innocence is meant to be lost; all cultures across the board depict such tragedies.
In life, sometimes, irony strikes when we realize that what makes us who we are is also at times precisely what drives us to step into places where we really do not want to go. Ray Charles sings: “Born to lose, born to lose,” yet it does not change how cruel it feels as we learn that love and loss inevitably come together. For so many years, the determination, drive, and talent of the five earned them the success that they had always dreamt of, yet what made me really, truly, madly and deeply fall in love with them was the love that they developed for one another along the way, and I believe that’s true for many of the Cassies: we love them because they are so insanely beautiful, yes. We love them because they are so unbelievably talented and incredibly hardworking, yes. We love them because this, because of that, and yes, yes, yes, but ultimately, I believe that we love them because it is one of the rarest gifts in the world to see such genuine love they have for one another as a whole.
So what do you do when you love someone so much and you just want different things, too, while all of you strong personalities that are capable of moving mountains through your hard work? When you think about it, it is not that uncommon of a dilemma: so many people have conflicts in desires as each person grows, right? It is literally impossible that we all grow the same way, towards the same directions, and at the same speed. No right or wrong, just human nature. If for one second we step out of fandom and look around our world: there’s a reason why the divorce rate is over 60% in the US and on the rising all over the world. There’s a reason why people crave fairy tale endings of happily ever-afters because it is just practically unheard of these days now. Is it because there’s a shortage of love? I really don’t think so, for if there were no love surely there would not be such pain in people’s eyes whenever they go through loss, right? So what is it then? Growing pains? Is it truly inevitable that as we grow stronger and stronger everyday, we then inadvertently develop the courage and desire to let go of what needs to change, no matter how much it hurts to let it go? I sometimes feel like that’s the surprising and most hurtful thing: none of us foresees these heartbreaks, and they usually creep up on us in the midst of intense contentment and happiness. I remember the members saying how their team work was really at its best for DBSK back in 2008 (AADBSK3), and you know what? I believe them. I really, really do! I do, which is why I feel for them even more: innocence is meant to be lost, and indeed when sorrow comes, it comes in battalions. When facing loss, all of us can feel ambushed, blindsided, and painfully broken down. All cultures, throughout human history, depict images of such broken-heartedness and tragedies. Romeo had to die, and Juliet never came back to life like Snow White did.
And maybe just like the boys once sang: no pain, no gain. Only this time it was not just a song on their album anymore, but what’s happening in their lives. And in this case, in the case of DBSK and their Cassies, this is pain with a capital P, especially if this is your first real encounter with the ever changing nature of life. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how much you want it to, and sometimes you don’t even have the words to describe how you feel, so in silence you feel even more lonely and lost.
Where can we feel safe again? I imagine the boys secretly asking inside themselves, and these are boys that had known pain before. These are boys who went through hell and back to get to where they are today, so what happens now if today’s loss also brings up yesterday’s unresolved issues? Jaejoong was abandoned by his birth mom and Yunho was poisoned. Jaejoong had to starve while Yunho had to sleep on the street. Junsu went through three years of not knowing if he could ever sing properly again. Yoochun had to see his parents separate, adjust to a new country and eventually leave his dongseng behind. Changmin was only fifteen when he was thrown into the adult world. So yeah, I believe these are boys who know what it feels like to feel scared, abandoned, lonely, and all other meanings of pain, and certainly I am SO PROUD of their overcoming all obstacles from the past. I imagine their love for one another must have had been the one good thing that served as a rock to help them to heal from all these events, so really, must they go through any more pain than they already did? Must they experience loss in this one good thing of their lives, the knowing that no matter what happens, that they have their members to rely on?
Don’t ask me if I am crying, because if you do I will tell you that I am.
Jaejoong can no longer cook for his members like the umma, and Yunho can no longer care nor protect the boys like the appa. Gone were the happy days of the DBSK family lounging around backstage, feeding one another kimchi (oh my Jaemin), cuddling together to watch DVDs, or leaning into one another resting together, joyfully waiting to perform. Instead, we see Changmin looking thinner and thinner, Yunho saying during magazine interview that there were time that he really wanted to cry, too, if given the opportunity. Junsu and Jaejoong breaking down during the Dome concerts in June, and finally, the words from Yoochun stating that he thought about giving up on it all, even if it’s all that he’s ever known. And really, isn’t the stage all that they’ve ever known, these five boys?
In some sense, THEY ARE ALL THEY’VE GOT, AREN’T THEY? What is happiness and success if you have no one to share it with? If the one person that you want to share with the most is no longer by your side?
I mean think about it, who else in this world would know what it felt like to walk 300 feet in the airport and in those few minutes being touched, groped even, by hundreds of hands that came out of nowhere? Who else would know what it felt like to constantly have to change phone numbers and each time only to be told by their stalker fans that such acts were futile and that no details of their lives were too small to be left alone? Who else knows what it feels like to try to register at websites to purchase something only to realize that their identity no longer belonged to them and instead stolen? Who else knows it feels like to sleep only 3 or 4 hours a day and have to be “on” each time the camera rolls? Who knows what it feels like to sleep in the backseat of a van or on a hard chair sitting up straight in order not to mess up the styling so the show could continue? Who else would know what it felt like to have to start all over again in another country to pursue that hard-earned success and only to later return to their homeland with such trepidation that they may have had been forgotten in the midst of intense competition? Loved they were by many, yet who else knew their souls as they did with one another? Who could truly understand them? Who else could’ve had really related to them except for them? As their sunbae BoA said to them: “It was a gift that you had each other.” She was right. As hard as it all was, they didn’t have to do it alone. They did it with one another. They did it TOGETHER. As a team. As brothers, during the most formative years of their lives. They did it. All five of them, as a whole. A bond beyond family or friends, since no one else could really be in their shoes or even knew where to begin such imagination. Really, who else would know it felt like to be so isolated that talking to crows and aliens brought comfort, and who else knows what it feels like to be surrounded screaming fans wherever you went? God knows what it may feel like to be loved by so many. We see that stars shine. We did not know that stars die, too, literally, exploding into thin air, creating new planets through such acts. None of us wants to grow up, yet all of us grows old.
You see the tears in my heart now? Because I feel like I see yours, and I wonder if you feel the helplessness that I feel, too. Jaejoong, you said that grown man only cried with their hearts. Are you crying now? Are all of you crying inside your hearts now? Because I imagine that Cassiopeia is, and no, we are not saying bye bye bye my love. NO. We are nowhere near saying that, even if we feel this piercing pain of the not knowing and being scared at the same time. And sometimes even anger comes up when the helplessness just feels like more than what we can bear, while underneath it all our teary hearts perhaps just like your own. That is, if Jaejoong was right about how grown men only cry with their hearts.
And of course we believe you, Jaejoong.
How can we not?
And I bet you that Yunho did cry, too, or at least I choose believe that he did. I am willing to bet all that I got on it, too. Not that I would ever want him to, but I bet you at some point Yunho did cry those same tears like the three did during the dome concert stage this June. I bet you that, at some point, even our strong Changmin teared up, like he did during the 2008 MKMF where we saw his pure heart, only this time he was no longer surrounded by his hyungs. I know I did, as the rest of the hundreds of thousands of Cassies, looking around the Dome stage, wondering what’s going to happen next.
Nobody knows.
And so in our tears may we be freed, Dear God. In our pain and grief may we learn to recognize the beauty of this love as it now teaches us the necessity of goodbye, for the hope of coming back together one day, in ways that we could not even imagine before.
A famous poet named Gibran once wrote:
“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.”
And as perfect and wonderful as the boys are, they too have to go through this process of individuating, learning to fumble, cry out in pain, so that they are given the opportunity to realize who they really are, just like the rest of us. And in some ways, as heartbreaking as it is, I feel SO PROUD in their courage, ALL OF THEM, to stand for what they want once again even if it means losing it all, especially knowing that all of them had more to lose than anyone else. Some people may doubt their love for one another since they didn’t all make the same choices, then to those I say one day love will teach you too what it means to experience heartbreak: sometimes that’s the fastest way to open your heart even more as you grow.
Did I ever doubt their love? Maybe just for one split second due to the shock, and that I am only human as well, and think silly thoughts like all of us do. Yet, what really matters is that if they ever doubted their love for one another in this past year? They are only young men in their early twenties, after all, so how equipped are they to deal with this kind of conflict with one another, their most beloved members? I wonder if this is partly the true cause behind all Cassies’ pain? It’s like watching your favorite couple getting divorced, knowing that they still love one another, yet there’s just nothing that you could do because you are only an outsider in a way? No. Don’t say goodbye. Don’t leave me now. This song that you once sang for us, Junsu, Yoocun, Jaejoong, Changmin, and Yunho, I wonder if you are singing that to each other now?
I don’t think I have to ask you if you are crying, at least inside. (Jaejoong was a smart guy, wasn’t he? To say that you cry in your heart, too?)
If you love DBSK, then you feel the heartache that they are feeling now, too, so yeah, even Cassies have to grow up, too. In some ways, we are being asked to grow stronger, that we no longer look to the boys for answers or resolutions, because it’s just obvious that they are scared, too, and they are doing the best they know how to continue (and how can you not love such brave boys, all five of them)? It may not have been a happy day when Gods were revealed only to be human, but it sure was a real day. And if you can learn to forgive their imperfections, accept their humanness, and grow to love what’s real, even when it’s not pretty, then loving DBSK has really, truly, touched your life in a way that’s changing who you are as a person.
If you can learn to let the boys grow the way they need to and love them anyway, then, my dearest Cassies, you have, in a sense, learned to touch the most beautiful quality that love has to offer.
Love is unconditional, my dearest, and forgiveness is worth more than gold.
So, in that vein, I look forward to see what happens next, actually. There’s just no way in the world for me to believe that these five won’t find some way, somehow, to come back together and to connect with one another. I don’t know if this means that they would come back as DBSK, or when, and I get upset by the endless news of lawsuits as well. Yet none of that really matters anymore, because I really, truly believe that somehow, some way, more than I can ever imagine because my brain can only hold so much and miracles happen in ways I can’t even think of, that love will guide them back to one another in this life. Because love is what informs faith, and theirs is a kind of love that I can never forget. So, I believe they won’t, either.
“I believe in you gutaer barabonun i shison gadur
Naega gago inun gutaer hyanghan maum modu dama bonaeri
Nomu swibge durgigo shipji anhun nae maum argo inayo
Gutae narur hurjjok ttonaborir goman gathun turyourggaji
(I believe in you...
I will send all my feelings for you through the the way I look at you
Do you know how my heart feels?
How I want to keep the feelings I have for you hidden?
Even the fearful feelings for when you might leave me one day?)~~~"Miduhyo"
Remember how Micky sang to us?
“I can’t let you go?”
And so, Junsu, Yoochun, Jaejoong, Changmin, and Yunho, we won’t, either.
We will set you free, and we won’t never, ever, let you go.
“So turn the light out
Interact with a little piece of dream
Sound brighter,
we all want the same sound
And I can't help the tears
I told you I'm your freedom like a bird going through the sky
What are we, just a big christmas tree at night?”
Quiet honestly, sometimes I just don’t get Micky’s English if I only look at the words and think about it. Yet, it doesn’t change how it touches my heart and makes it open, and that’s what matters the most. We may not understand, but we can still love.
“You know there's like a moment that
Fading fight between you and I
And I'd rather hope than make you sad and cry
What I just wanna say is
Keep the faith, the faith never is born in us
It can't take us, there is many different cases”
No, it can’t, DBSK. Nothing can take us, us Cassies that stand by your side, all of you, and yet, this time, the faith is born in us.
And you are the reason why.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
JYJ Korea Town Los Angeles Encounter Part2
So, hopefully I will finish writing this in one sitting and get it out to you before the day is over.....all of your responses make me really happy! Lets spread the Dong Bang Love~~~kya kya kya~~~
So let me dig back into my memory pool: as I heard the chairs rustling, I realized “oh my God, I’d better look up!” And much to my dismay by the time I looked up Jaejoong was already out the door. (I know I already wrote it in part 1 but here let me DO IT ONE MORE AGAIN: WHAT? WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I seriously suffered from major wailing inside. I was dying to catch a view of his whole person but alas that ship just, like, sailed. T_T) I frantically searched outside the glass walls of the restaurant with my eyes and THANK GOD there he was, standing right in front of the restaurant with some staff people surrounding him and yes again he seemed sad to me when he wasn’t speaking or when no one was interacting with him. Perhaps it was my imagination, and I do know how Jaejoong just appears kind of stone-faced when he goes into his expressionless mode (which I love and find it hilarious, instead of cold or distant like it’s been described....since he’s just kind of whimsical like that....going off somewhere else in his mind even during interviews.....) However, this seemed a little different to me: he really seemed like someone who was slightly traumatized. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve all read about Park Yonha’s news of suicide (may you rest in pease, Mr. Park) and we all know that JJ and he were BFFs and even talked on the phone just the day before Mr. Park ended his own life. When I saw Jaejoong standing outside, he seemed so very thin (although not as thin as Yoochun, OMG that boy lost weight, but I will talk about that later), wearing a black T shirt and tights black pants and a black beanie, casual yet totally awesome-looking, while feeling amazed at his beauty, it just made me ache to see this (what I perceive to be) aura of loss around him, like somehow he felt lost in the world and didn’t quite know how to be, where to go or what to do with himself. And who knows, it’s not easy being in a foreign country on a tight schedule anyway even without any of these traumatic events, and I very well could’ve been reading something into nothing at all (all of this was VERY SUBTLE and I am severely Jaejoong biased, anyway). Regardless, my heart just poured out to him. There was a staff person lingering inside the restaurant (actually, when they were still eating inside the restaurant, this young woman came in with a baby and said hi to the group, apparently the wife of one of the staff members and she stayed behind to eat because she came in late so one of the staff people that I assumed to be her husband stayed with her while everyone else went outside.) I thought about going up to that staff person, asking if he could possibly pass a message of condolences to Jaejoong or actually all three of them to convey support, but I eventually decided against it (trust me, there were times that I questioned if I was just retarded and missed this ONCE IN A LIFETIME opportunity to communicate with them.)
As I was sitting there, my eyes just kept going to Jaejoong while he was standing outside the restaurant: this tired, thin, cheerful when interacted with, smiled upon watching Junsu playing around him, sad when no one was looking Jaejoong. There was this slight frown, and he looked troubled to me, slightly anguished even, and maybe it wasn’t that bad, maybe it was all my imagination, but I thought to myself there’s no way Jaejoong didn’t know how loved he was. I mean come on, this is the young man who tried so hard to contain his tears during the Dome concerts and kept repeating over and over again to the audience how he realized the importance of smiling for everyone else, and that how he knew seeing him cry would make others cry and that he only wanted to make people happy. I think about how, for any grieving person, the last thing they need is to need to pretend they are okay for anyone else when they are grieving that loss and going through the pain. I didn’t know what else to do, so I sat there and watched him (he was outside now so I let myself look more freely since there’s more distance) and sent prayers to him while looking at him, Jaejoong, who stood there, tender and open to his beloved members and staff yet slightly away from us all:
“Jaejoong, may you let yourself feel the pain that you need in order to realize how much you did love your friend and learn to still keep that love for yourself still even though it hurts you right now because you really miss him. May you realize how much it WASN’T your fault that he had to leave the way he did, and that it wasn’t his, either. May you experience the freedom of knowing that your friend would always be your friend, whatever form your friendship may now take, and may you be loved, supported, heard, nurtured, understood, and respected as you continue to grieve this terrible loss and learn to connect with your friend still in heart after his passing. May you really REMEMBER that it wasn’t your fault and know that every suicide survivor experiences guilt at some point, and may you have the space to go through this journey with grace and ease. May you sleep well, eat well, and breathe easy. May you be hugged often and by those that you love. May you give yourself the freedom to cry if and when you need to. May you realize that we all have FAITH in you, whatever you may need to go through. And most importantly, may you have faith in us as well to trust us that we love you just the way you are, so there’s no need to be perfect for us. Cassiopeia loves you. May you feel that love, be nurtured by it, instead of burdened.”
“And yes, Jaejoong, may your friend rest in peace. May your heart find peace as well as you let him go into peace. He’s peaceful now, so it’s important that you let yourself as well. I know that pain if inevitable, so as a fan, all I can do is to send you prayers, everyday.”
I sat there and tried to pour these thoughts and emotions through my eyes as I looked at him, and trust me, I know that sounds a little crazy, but perhaps that’s the true beauty of being hardcore fan (I never was before for anyone else, not to this degree, and I doubt that I ever will again) was that I didn’t care, for the act of praying brought me such joy. It was really a very strange sensation: I associate such greatness with them, receive such joy from them, and they have no idea who I was, and that was, like, totally okay! Wow, what a gift! Thanks boys! :)
But, that’s enough with the sad and the gloomy, let me turn back a couple of steps and talk about the other precious two. As I was bummed out by the the quick leavetaking of Jaejoong and in between my deciding if I should go up to the staff person to ask for the passing of a message and eventually deciding to just pray for Jaejoong, I did not fail to notice that Junsu and Yoochun were STILL IN THE RESTAURANT! And WAH WAH WAH THEY STOOD UP so I was totally looking their whole persons instead of just the half profile view. My God Yoochun was THIN. Thin, thin, thin, thin, thin. Of course he was gorgeous and totally charming (even with his back put up as his constant state), yet you wonder where all that food went inside this tiny body. He had shorts on (ah here I totally feel perverted and sorry Yoochun if this invades your privacy but I know that fangirls would want to know.....) so, ugh, his BARE LEGS were in plain view right in front of me after he stood up. (Argh gulp I really feel so perverted, but I looked!!! I looked!!! Waaaah!!!) Really, really pale skinned and not much hair on his legs (some) and he had some sort of supporting wrap going around his left ankle (black) so hopefully no injuries (he looked completely normal when he walked later). He stood there speaking with Junsu and then with the waitress again before he walked out (he was the last one to walk out), and the waitress TOTALLY looked at him with loving eyes while Yoochun again engaged with her in that young-ish way (AH SO CUTE!). She even reach her hand to pat his back as he turned to leave like you would a young relative or child, just adoring him, and you could tell that Yoochun was used to being adored (can you blame him?) I thought to myself such is the charm of DBSK......so famous yet to those whom they open themselves up to (well, particularly Yoochun when he does) you can’t help but just get KA-POWed and be overtaken by their charm, regardless of age or gender or race! (Mirotic much, anyone? ~~~under my skin~~~oh yeah y’all got it all right! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah! **imagine Changmin scream please.)
And as I said, Junsu walked out before Yoochun, and as I was praying to Jaejoong (wait, that sounds funny. I meant that that I was looking at him while I prayed for him....I do know that he’s NOT baby Jesus), I noticed that Junsu was, I kid you not, happily bouncing around. (HOLY JESUS SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, JUST LIKE I’VE SEEN ON NUMEROUS VIDEO CLIPS!) But first let me backtrack to when he first stood up in the restaurant.......can you believe it?.....I still don’t remember what kind of pants he was wearing even after he stood up! That just goes to show you how appealing his face was so whenever I looked at him I was drawn to his upper body more than anything else, and he really did look exactly how he looked on TV (maybe because he was the only who was styling and had makeup on?) He seemed more filled out than Yoochun (Yoochun you really need to put on some weight....) and got great skin as well. I watched him walk out the door and as soon as he was out it was like a child out of the the school room, (or bird out of the gate to be more exact.) He immediately started talking, laughing, playing with Jaejoong and other staff people. He would walk around rapidly from one person to the next, saying something in an animated way, and then to the next person, lots of waving of the arms and totally complete bright smile to enliven the air around him......ah what a mood-maker! (Japanese pronunciation please.) At one point he even excitedly pointed one finger at one of the staff persons, exuberantly said something right to his face to make some drastic comment, before rushing up towards him and engulfing him in a hug as if a child throwing a prank on an adult and quickly going up to him to plea forgiveness (AH I CAN’T HELP BUT TOTALLY SMILE RIGHT NOW, JUNSU I LOVE YOU~~~). He was outside so I couldn’t hear, but I imagine it must have had been Kya kya kya Kya kya kya Kya kya kya all over the place: I mean, if I could fill up the space with captions like they do on Korean or Japanese shows, I would totally subtitled the entire scene right in front of me with Jun-jan Kya kya Kya like they did at the AADBSK 3 bed time talk!!!
Yet alas, all good thing must come to an end, including this great chance encounter. (I am still walking around dazed, and this is what, more than 48 hours later now....oh you dong bang boys are something else....doushite.....kimi wo suki ni natte shimattandarou....I could hear the music going off in my ear....wahahahahahaha.....yet, that’s right....”boku wa tamago ski geto, kimi no suki!!!” **I do know I am not a man and therefore shouldn’t use Boku, but seriously, isn’t Junsu awesome?) As I watched him playing around with the staff and the other two, (at one point a car tried to pull into the space that they were standing in and it was so funny to see them slightly startled and slowly moved away almost like timid kids gradually scattering......wahahahahaha seriously kill me now.......too....cute.....), I couldn’t help but realize that JYJ, really, truly, are just REAL PEOPLE as well. It’s so easy, all too easy, to elevate them into godlike status and fall into this haze of total adoration, for they were indeed very special and gifted. Yet, at the same time I could see that they were really just young men who NEEDED ONE ANOTHER and perhaps are now going through some of the greatest challenges of their lives, while the whole world watches.
So, even though I was still trembling inside from the shock of seeing them, and just like any other fan OF COURSE I totally wanted to look and know everything about their lives, I all of sudden realized for an instant what these beautiful young men had GIVEN UP in order to go after their dreams, and what a GIFT it had been for us to receive their talents, their raw selves, year after year, even though we are all somewhat broken up inside about the trial and tribulation from the past year. And for that, I decided to finish this one article that I had been working on (I started back in June after the Dome concert, since after seeing clips of the song “W” I just HAD TO DO SOMETHING). I had to think of something to comfort myself, to allow myself to admit to myself that, yes, things are different now, and some of it truly, honestly, are terribly sad and heartbreaking, even though none of us knows what’s going to happen next and all of us still KEEPING THE FAITH, the best we know how (thank you boys for giving us an opportunity to practice). So, as with going through any kind of loss, I decided to write because I believe it’s through letting myself feel the pain, expressing it, releasing it, I will then be able to find the love and faith to continue and begin again. I believe that’s how the song “W” was born for JYJ, and I believe that all five will be able to transform their pain into glory. Yet, however, I just couldn’t finish writing my article then, because it was just too painful. BUT! The MIRACLE of chancing upon them filled me up with energy to complete that writing. And while I didn’t plan to share that writing with anyone initially, as it was meant to comfort myself only, I changed my mind. As I watched their vans pulled away (they got into two white vans.....I know after this all the white vans in Korea town are gonna get extra love and attention now :), as I type all this up right now, this beautiful acapella starts to ring in my ear....the five voices, the most beautiful harmony that we all know all love.....the song starts to play in my head as it fills me with love:
~~~Every day, and night, with you
~~~Furueru kimi no te wo nigirishimerukala (I will hold your small hand tightly)
~~~Every day, every night, everywhere
~~~Tsunagaru kanshokuwo (Lets verify our connection of feelings)
~~~Zutto tashikameyou
~~~Ima monogatari wa... Begin (Now, the story will.....begin.)
(For the article “Even Cassies Have To Grow Up, Too”, please visit http://forcassiesonly.blogspot.com/) Thanks DBSKnights for posting this encounter, and out of respect for the DBSKnight site (since the article isn’t a sighting but my thoughts that came afterwards, I created this page to host just that, but of course you are most welcomed to post if you want to. Thank you for this opportunity of sharing! I feel so close to all of you! AKTF! Hwaiting! Sarangeyo~~~)
So let me dig back into my memory pool: as I heard the chairs rustling, I realized “oh my God, I’d better look up!” And much to my dismay by the time I looked up Jaejoong was already out the door. (I know I already wrote it in part 1 but here let me DO IT ONE MORE AGAIN: WHAT? WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I seriously suffered from major wailing inside. I was dying to catch a view of his whole person but alas that ship just, like, sailed. T_T) I frantically searched outside the glass walls of the restaurant with my eyes and THANK GOD there he was, standing right in front of the restaurant with some staff people surrounding him and yes again he seemed sad to me when he wasn’t speaking or when no one was interacting with him. Perhaps it was my imagination, and I do know how Jaejoong just appears kind of stone-faced when he goes into his expressionless mode (which I love and find it hilarious, instead of cold or distant like it’s been described....since he’s just kind of whimsical like that....going off somewhere else in his mind even during interviews.....) However, this seemed a little different to me: he really seemed like someone who was slightly traumatized. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve all read about Park Yonha’s news of suicide (may you rest in pease, Mr. Park) and we all know that JJ and he were BFFs and even talked on the phone just the day before Mr. Park ended his own life. When I saw Jaejoong standing outside, he seemed so very thin (although not as thin as Yoochun, OMG that boy lost weight, but I will talk about that later), wearing a black T shirt and tights black pants and a black beanie, casual yet totally awesome-looking, while feeling amazed at his beauty, it just made me ache to see this (what I perceive to be) aura of loss around him, like somehow he felt lost in the world and didn’t quite know how to be, where to go or what to do with himself. And who knows, it’s not easy being in a foreign country on a tight schedule anyway even without any of these traumatic events, and I very well could’ve been reading something into nothing at all (all of this was VERY SUBTLE and I am severely Jaejoong biased, anyway). Regardless, my heart just poured out to him. There was a staff person lingering inside the restaurant (actually, when they were still eating inside the restaurant, this young woman came in with a baby and said hi to the group, apparently the wife of one of the staff members and she stayed behind to eat because she came in late so one of the staff people that I assumed to be her husband stayed with her while everyone else went outside.) I thought about going up to that staff person, asking if he could possibly pass a message of condolences to Jaejoong or actually all three of them to convey support, but I eventually decided against it (trust me, there were times that I questioned if I was just retarded and missed this ONCE IN A LIFETIME opportunity to communicate with them.)
As I was sitting there, my eyes just kept going to Jaejoong while he was standing outside the restaurant: this tired, thin, cheerful when interacted with, smiled upon watching Junsu playing around him, sad when no one was looking Jaejoong. There was this slight frown, and he looked troubled to me, slightly anguished even, and maybe it wasn’t that bad, maybe it was all my imagination, but I thought to myself there’s no way Jaejoong didn’t know how loved he was. I mean come on, this is the young man who tried so hard to contain his tears during the Dome concerts and kept repeating over and over again to the audience how he realized the importance of smiling for everyone else, and that how he knew seeing him cry would make others cry and that he only wanted to make people happy. I think about how, for any grieving person, the last thing they need is to need to pretend they are okay for anyone else when they are grieving that loss and going through the pain. I didn’t know what else to do, so I sat there and watched him (he was outside now so I let myself look more freely since there’s more distance) and sent prayers to him while looking at him, Jaejoong, who stood there, tender and open to his beloved members and staff yet slightly away from us all:
“Jaejoong, may you let yourself feel the pain that you need in order to realize how much you did love your friend and learn to still keep that love for yourself still even though it hurts you right now because you really miss him. May you realize how much it WASN’T your fault that he had to leave the way he did, and that it wasn’t his, either. May you experience the freedom of knowing that your friend would always be your friend, whatever form your friendship may now take, and may you be loved, supported, heard, nurtured, understood, and respected as you continue to grieve this terrible loss and learn to connect with your friend still in heart after his passing. May you really REMEMBER that it wasn’t your fault and know that every suicide survivor experiences guilt at some point, and may you have the space to go through this journey with grace and ease. May you sleep well, eat well, and breathe easy. May you be hugged often and by those that you love. May you give yourself the freedom to cry if and when you need to. May you realize that we all have FAITH in you, whatever you may need to go through. And most importantly, may you have faith in us as well to trust us that we love you just the way you are, so there’s no need to be perfect for us. Cassiopeia loves you. May you feel that love, be nurtured by it, instead of burdened.”
“And yes, Jaejoong, may your friend rest in peace. May your heart find peace as well as you let him go into peace. He’s peaceful now, so it’s important that you let yourself as well. I know that pain if inevitable, so as a fan, all I can do is to send you prayers, everyday.”
I sat there and tried to pour these thoughts and emotions through my eyes as I looked at him, and trust me, I know that sounds a little crazy, but perhaps that’s the true beauty of being hardcore fan (I never was before for anyone else, not to this degree, and I doubt that I ever will again) was that I didn’t care, for the act of praying brought me such joy. It was really a very strange sensation: I associate such greatness with them, receive such joy from them, and they have no idea who I was, and that was, like, totally okay! Wow, what a gift! Thanks boys! :)
But, that’s enough with the sad and the gloomy, let me turn back a couple of steps and talk about the other precious two. As I was bummed out by the the quick leavetaking of Jaejoong and in between my deciding if I should go up to the staff person to ask for the passing of a message and eventually deciding to just pray for Jaejoong, I did not fail to notice that Junsu and Yoochun were STILL IN THE RESTAURANT! And WAH WAH WAH THEY STOOD UP so I was totally looking their whole persons instead of just the half profile view. My God Yoochun was THIN. Thin, thin, thin, thin, thin. Of course he was gorgeous and totally charming (even with his back put up as his constant state), yet you wonder where all that food went inside this tiny body. He had shorts on (ah here I totally feel perverted and sorry Yoochun if this invades your privacy but I know that fangirls would want to know.....) so, ugh, his BARE LEGS were in plain view right in front of me after he stood up. (Argh gulp I really feel so perverted, but I looked!!! I looked!!! Waaaah!!!) Really, really pale skinned and not much hair on his legs (some) and he had some sort of supporting wrap going around his left ankle (black) so hopefully no injuries (he looked completely normal when he walked later). He stood there speaking with Junsu and then with the waitress again before he walked out (he was the last one to walk out), and the waitress TOTALLY looked at him with loving eyes while Yoochun again engaged with her in that young-ish way (AH SO CUTE!). She even reach her hand to pat his back as he turned to leave like you would a young relative or child, just adoring him, and you could tell that Yoochun was used to being adored (can you blame him?) I thought to myself such is the charm of DBSK......so famous yet to those whom they open themselves up to (well, particularly Yoochun when he does) you can’t help but just get KA-POWed and be overtaken by their charm, regardless of age or gender or race! (Mirotic much, anyone? ~~~under my skin~~~oh yeah y’all got it all right! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah! **imagine Changmin scream please.)
And as I said, Junsu walked out before Yoochun, and as I was praying to Jaejoong (wait, that sounds funny. I meant that that I was looking at him while I prayed for him....I do know that he’s NOT baby Jesus), I noticed that Junsu was, I kid you not, happily bouncing around. (HOLY JESUS SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, JUST LIKE I’VE SEEN ON NUMEROUS VIDEO CLIPS!) But first let me backtrack to when he first stood up in the restaurant.......can you believe it?.....I still don’t remember what kind of pants he was wearing even after he stood up! That just goes to show you how appealing his face was so whenever I looked at him I was drawn to his upper body more than anything else, and he really did look exactly how he looked on TV (maybe because he was the only who was styling and had makeup on?) He seemed more filled out than Yoochun (Yoochun you really need to put on some weight....) and got great skin as well. I watched him walk out the door and as soon as he was out it was like a child out of the the school room, (or bird out of the gate to be more exact.) He immediately started talking, laughing, playing with Jaejoong and other staff people. He would walk around rapidly from one person to the next, saying something in an animated way, and then to the next person, lots of waving of the arms and totally complete bright smile to enliven the air around him......ah what a mood-maker! (Japanese pronunciation please.) At one point he even excitedly pointed one finger at one of the staff persons, exuberantly said something right to his face to make some drastic comment, before rushing up towards him and engulfing him in a hug as if a child throwing a prank on an adult and quickly going up to him to plea forgiveness (AH I CAN’T HELP BUT TOTALLY SMILE RIGHT NOW, JUNSU I LOVE YOU~~~). He was outside so I couldn’t hear, but I imagine it must have had been Kya kya kya Kya kya kya Kya kya kya all over the place: I mean, if I could fill up the space with captions like they do on Korean or Japanese shows, I would totally subtitled the entire scene right in front of me with Jun-jan Kya kya Kya like they did at the AADBSK 3 bed time talk!!!
Yet alas, all good thing must come to an end, including this great chance encounter. (I am still walking around dazed, and this is what, more than 48 hours later now....oh you dong bang boys are something else....doushite.....kimi wo suki ni natte shimattandarou....I could hear the music going off in my ear....wahahahahahaha.....yet, that’s right....”boku wa tamago ski geto, kimi no suki!!!” **I do know I am not a man and therefore shouldn’t use Boku, but seriously, isn’t Junsu awesome?) As I watched him playing around with the staff and the other two, (at one point a car tried to pull into the space that they were standing in and it was so funny to see them slightly startled and slowly moved away almost like timid kids gradually scattering......wahahahahaha seriously kill me now.......too....cute.....), I couldn’t help but realize that JYJ, really, truly, are just REAL PEOPLE as well. It’s so easy, all too easy, to elevate them into godlike status and fall into this haze of total adoration, for they were indeed very special and gifted. Yet, at the same time I could see that they were really just young men who NEEDED ONE ANOTHER and perhaps are now going through some of the greatest challenges of their lives, while the whole world watches.
So, even though I was still trembling inside from the shock of seeing them, and just like any other fan OF COURSE I totally wanted to look and know everything about their lives, I all of sudden realized for an instant what these beautiful young men had GIVEN UP in order to go after their dreams, and what a GIFT it had been for us to receive their talents, their raw selves, year after year, even though we are all somewhat broken up inside about the trial and tribulation from the past year. And for that, I decided to finish this one article that I had been working on (I started back in June after the Dome concert, since after seeing clips of the song “W” I just HAD TO DO SOMETHING). I had to think of something to comfort myself, to allow myself to admit to myself that, yes, things are different now, and some of it truly, honestly, are terribly sad and heartbreaking, even though none of us knows what’s going to happen next and all of us still KEEPING THE FAITH, the best we know how (thank you boys for giving us an opportunity to practice). So, as with going through any kind of loss, I decided to write because I believe it’s through letting myself feel the pain, expressing it, releasing it, I will then be able to find the love and faith to continue and begin again. I believe that’s how the song “W” was born for JYJ, and I believe that all five will be able to transform their pain into glory. Yet, however, I just couldn’t finish writing my article then, because it was just too painful. BUT! The MIRACLE of chancing upon them filled me up with energy to complete that writing. And while I didn’t plan to share that writing with anyone initially, as it was meant to comfort myself only, I changed my mind. As I watched their vans pulled away (they got into two white vans.....I know after this all the white vans in Korea town are gonna get extra love and attention now :), as I type all this up right now, this beautiful acapella starts to ring in my ear....the five voices, the most beautiful harmony that we all know all love.....the song starts to play in my head as it fills me with love:
~~~Every day, and night, with you
~~~Furueru kimi no te wo nigirishimerukala (I will hold your small hand tightly)
~~~Every day, every night, everywhere
~~~Tsunagaru kanshokuwo (Lets verify our connection of feelings)
~~~Zutto tashikameyou
~~~Ima monogatari wa... Begin (Now, the story will.....begin.)
(For the article “Even Cassies Have To Grow Up, Too”, please visit http://forcassiesonly.blogspot.com/) Thanks DBSKnights for posting this encounter, and out of respect for the DBSKnight site (since the article isn’t a sighting but my thoughts that came afterwards, I created this page to host just that, but of course you are most welcomed to post if you want to. Thank you for this opportunity of sharing! I feel so close to all of you! AKTF! Hwaiting! Sarangeyo~~~)
Friday, July 9, 2010
JYJ Korea Town Los Angeles Encounter Part1
So finally I am able to calm down enough to write this fan account of running to JYJ (and staff) at a restaurant yesterday (July 7th, around 3pm in the afternoon) in Korea Town here in Los Angeles. I don’t know about all of you, but prior to running into them I’ve had this nagging worry in the back of my head ever since the news of Park Yong-ha’s suicide and Junsu’s visit to the ER, and seeing them with my own eyes brought such tremendous relief, even though I still feel both the grief and joy watching them grow and mature in the past year, but I digress: I am going to keep this fan account strictly to what I observed yesterday and I am going to post another article that’s specifically for detailing the emotional journey inspired by witnessing the amazing talents of these five, especially with the turmoils since last year. If you are interested to view this article named “Even Cassies Have Had to Grow Up, Too”, I will include a link to a page at the end of this fan account (It is not going to be a blog by itself. it’s just something that I will set up to post this one article only. It’s kind of long so I am not sure if it’s going to be shared here at DBSKnights......love this site, by the way. Thanks for all the hard work for keeping us in touch! Please feel free to let me know if you want to post both or just this fan account. It’s cool either way.)
Anyhow, lets get down to business. So yesterday afternoon around 2:30pm I was close to K-town and wanted to grab a quick bite from a trip to the supermarket deli, yet as I drove there (I was already in the parking lot), I all of sudden changed my mind and decided to go to another restaurant down the street. Instead of picking up food, I thought I deserved an actual sit-down meal, even if just a short one, to cheer myself up since I woke up feeling really sad. Due to this sad mood, when I walked into the restaurant, I was rather absent-minded. I did notice, however, that the waitress that usually was very friendly and quick to point me to a seat seemed rather distracted, and kept speaking to me in Korean without letting me know where to sit. I was slightly confused since I didn’t speak Korean. As she was speaking to me from behind the counter, out of my peripheral vision, I knew right next to me near the entrance was this big group of patrons who occupied two tables, but I didn’t pay any attention to them. I just wanted to find a seat that was on the corner of the restaurant so that I could sit down with my book to hide and console myself with a good meal. I stood pretty close to that big group of patrons, and as I was trying to get a hint from the older Korean waitress a sense of where to go (very nice ajumma by the way: I’ve always liked her) I moved several times, each time just a couple of steps since I was unsure of where to go, around that big group of people (I think around 8-10), trying to gauge where I wanted to sit. That took a couple of minutes. In hindsight, I realized that I was probably less than one feet away from all three of them at one point, but I didn’t realize that at the time, and again I am jumping ahead of myself. (BUT HOW CAN YOU NOT BE EXCITED, HUH? I AM STILL IN SHOCK!)
Anyhow, I quickly spotted this table at the corner of the restaurant. The restaurant wasn’t very big, and all the tables were aligned in one direction, except for the one that I picked for myself. I hadn’t even noticed that table before from my previous trips to the restaurant: it was strangely positioned in a way that it had the whole view of the place (meaning that instead of being part of the rows of tables, it was not included in those rows and stood separately on its own at the corner, hence offering a great view of the entire place without me having to turn my head if I sat with my back to the wall.) I picked that table because, ironically enough, I wanted some space from everyone and I did choose to sit with my back against the wall since I didn’t want anyone behind me. I sat down, let out a breath, and thought to myself “oh thank God” since I was feeling so very antisocial and tired from my day already, and that was when I heard a voice that I thought really familiar to me so I looked up: when I looked up, I thought I saw the profile of someone who looked incredibly like Yoochun. At that instant, all the blood must have gone to my face as I felt this tremendous heat rush EXPLODED in my body and I almost fell of the chair. I quickly looked down because I didn’t want to look like I was crazy and I wanted to take a deep breath to compose myself (HOLY SHIT, AM I HALLUCINATING?) but I quickly looked up again (HOW CAN YOU NOT?) and did a double take: WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH IT WAS YOOCHUN BECAUSE, BECAUSE RIGHT NEXT TO HIM WAS SOMEONE WHO LOOKED LIKE JUNSU! HOLY JESUS SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!! THERE CAN’T POSSIBLY TWO LOOK ALIKES ALL AT THE SAME TIME?! RIGHT?! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I still want to scream!!! IT’S JYJ RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES!!!)
But at the same, I took another deep breath as I realized that these are some super sharp sensitive people because it was like they had eyes on the back of their heads: I mean Junsu and Yoochun. As shocked/excited as I was, I am pretty positive that all that I let out was a sharp intake of breath and a few seconds of intense staring just to verify what my eyes were seeing (you know that sensation that you couldn’t believe your own eyes, like the brain was just not capable of registering what was happening....I mean, I LOVE these boys! I watch them every morning on my laptop before I go to work! I watch them when I get home after work! I know the details of all of their TV shows like the back of my hand and listen to their music in the car! But, but......what was I seeing? THEM!!!!! WAAAAAH THE WORLD HAD STOP TO MAKE SENSE IN THE MOST CRAZY AND WONDERFUL WAY.) Yet as intense as I was feeling, I am usually also pretty good at keeping things internal when I need to so I was surprised how quickly Yoochun and Junsu turned to survey the corner where I was sitting like they picked up something. They eyes simply surveyed the corner and didn’t linger more than a second which didn’t surprise me: of course I feel like I’ve known them forever and to them I am just a complete stranger, and in a way I was glad to see how alert they were. It was less than a second that they glanced towards my direction before they focused back on their meal (yet enough to scare the crap out of me because I didn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. I mean, I can completely understand why fangirls chase them down and want a piece of them, and at the same time my heart aches a little for the lack of privacy they suffer and it pleases me so to know that they could enough a meal without people gawking at them, so I really tried to refrain myself.)
At that point, it was obvious that Yoochun was really comfortable with the waitress apparently, since he tilted his head to ask for the waitress to bring him something in Korean. (The waitress at this point had completely forgotten my existence. I had to wait for a long time and finally rang the bell before she came to get my order, but really, I seriously don’t have any complaints.) The way he asked for her attention was very young-ish, like an adorable child (but of course he’s a young man now) and at that instant I could really FEEL how and why he was so popular and captured the hearts of so many, despite how casually dressed he was at that moment (Here’s another funny thing. Just yesterday morning before I left for work I was watching this video clip of the boys being interviewed by Mnet, and they were being asked who was the most poorly dressed offscreen and the boys said: “Yoochun” and proceeded to describe how, when offscreen, Yoochun usually dressed in sweats and Yoochun, in his defense, replied that was because he wanted to be able to practice anywhere when he wanted to. And lord and behold: what did I see him wear when I ran into them? A simply gray T-shirt and black sports shorts/knee length and, ding ding ding, SANDALS! LOL! Those you hardcore fans know what I am talking about: true to his word, this was the guy who tried and pushed the limit and wore his sandals into the winter season in Japan. Guess it worked out well for him that it was warm in LA right now. :) Of the three, he definitely was the most casually dressed, with his hair pulled back into a very cute teeny tiny short ponytail (lots of bobby pins involved) and no makeup, but to those of you who are Yoochun biased: no, that doesn’t take away his star quality WHATSOEVER. It seemed to me that Yoochun, out of the three, perhaps felt the need to withdraw the most when faced with the things or people that he didn’t know or feel comfortable with. His facial expressions changed subtly yet informed varying degrees of pulling back quite well: I felt like I could sense the so very sensitive soul that really needed a sense of needed protection underneath this occasional aloofness. Since they were constantly in the public eye, and for any sensitive person that meant a tremendous amount of incoming energy on a daily basis, I can only imagine his need for some space. I don’t want to digress too much but allow me to say that I felt like I observed this tendency in all three of them: this brilliant and shining opening of their being when faced towards one another (you could really feel the love oh it’s SO REAL) that just takes your breath away (some serious charm), and the need to distance and protect oneself from the endless spotlight that did not turn off even as they stopped performing on stage, so of course they needed to shield themselves somewhat. From that perspective, I could really appreciate every part of Yoochun even as he appeared a little more aloof than the rest (in my opinion) and put his back up a bit more than the other two. (I would never forget how he cried for his brother and himself on YSMM. Beautiful. Certainly showed a very sensitive and caring soul that needs privacy and space in order to feel safe and blossom, and boy did he show us his talents during these years.)
But Junsu, ah Junsu was entirely another story (but as I said, I observed that tendency in all three of them: just perhaps least in Junsu, and as a matter of fact I think it’s something all celebrities must learn in order to cope with their fame, but let me shut up about this already, sorry ladies. I know you are dying to hear more about the actual details so here it comes.) Since I felt self-conscious to keep staring, I did look down at my book and I tried to act normal so that they could continue to enjoy their meal without interruption. There were very few patrons in the restaurant as it was already 3pm in the afternoon, and the few tables that knew who they were kept their distance as well, but friendly. I did, however, OPENED UP MY EARS SO BIG so I could feel into what was going on at the other table. And truth be told, there was no way to miss Junsu’s raspy voice anywhere you went. Kya kya kya kya kya it brought me up joy to hear his exuberant voice and occasional laughter. (OH THANK GOD HE SEEMS RECOVERED). Even though I didn’t know what they were saying exactly, but the intonation felt very cheerful, with some fatigue mixed in perhaps, but overall it really felt so very sweet. They were relatively quiet, but I recognized all of their voices (I was the one who had trouble breathing) and it was SO NICE to feel their energy: peaceful, familiar, with a true feeling of family thrown in there because of the natural intimacy that you could pick up from being around them. It was really amazing. I was SO HAPPY to see Junsu looking so well (the boy was well dressed! He had on some kind of informal gray suit jacket and I don’t remember what else he was wearing....sorry ladies....his face was so adorable that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I think he had some makeup on and his hair was styled....ah Charisma Junsu-san. Yep, you sure can intoxicate as many as you want now......)
BUT! BUT! YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND! I AM COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, 100% JAEJOONG BIASED! (Although I really, truly, sincerely love ALL FIVE and I pay great attention to them all. NOTHING is going to stop me from going to SM TOWN Live this Sep, not even my hatred for SM: I LOVE HOMIN and that’s what counts. I will support them any way I can.) So, I was anxious to find Jaejoong (Yoochun and Junsu sat with their profile towards my direction so I could see them VERY WELL and CLEAR every time I looked up, but I didn’t see Jaejoong right away.) Turned out that he was sitting across from from Junsu at the opposite end of the table and the person sitting next to Yoochun was blocking my view and I had to maneuver a bit to get a glimpse of Jaejoong and MY GOD HE WAS BEAUTIFUL. He is truly blessed with exceptional beauty. From the distance you see great his skin was and how delicate his facial features were.....aaaah I could faint. I didn’t want to look too intently so I tried to find him without being too obvious, yet just like the other two, he was really, really, very sensitive and knew what was going on around him quite well, although you could tell that he was probably used to people gawking at him (which, again, hurts my heart a little although I am really happy that he finally got what he wanted when he was younger: I’d never forget his honest admission of wanting popularity on X-man during “Of Course” with Changmin.....Ah I miss my soul fighters....T_T). So, I tried to look away quickly whenever I looked up for a glance of him (I think at one point he looked at my direction again like he sensed something and we had one second of eye contact like I did with the other two, although they certainly weren’t looking at me but merely surveying the environment......BUT SURE YOU KNOW HOW SHOCKING THAT WAS TO MY SYSTEM.....oh bless my heart it’s still beating so fast.) However, at another point, (WAHWAHWAH I FEEL SO LUCKY) the staff people sat next to Yoochun got up and went to the bathroom so it was WIDE OPEN between Jaejoong and I, meaning that it was a CLEAR VIEW (since he was sitting at the opposite end of the table, that meant I wasn’t seeing his profile. I was looking at him DIRECTLY.) Jaejoong looked sad, I won’t lie, but occasionally he would smile this most tender, genuine smile that just melted your heart when the two or staff spoke to him. I swear, I would never forget that moment when his face went from this somewhat forlorn expression to this beautiful blossoming of a smile. It was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve seen, (and yes, I know, he’s just a human being as well but so am I, so projection really is inevitable here, hee hee.) This continued for a while, my looking down and looking back up and looking down and looking back up and keeping my ears wide open to capture everything (meanwhile my food was served yet I kid you not, my hand was shaking a little and I felt so stupid and tried to hold it steady.) Eventually, they got up to leave. I had told myself that I would look up fast enough when Jaejoong stood up to see his whole person, yet I tell you! That boy FLEW OR SOMETHING!!! As I heard the chairs rustling I looked up and Jaejoong was already out of the door (WHAT? WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOO!), while Junsu and Yoochun lingered at the table for a long time. I was sad, but, guess what? The restaurant had glass walls so, YEP LADIES, I could still see Jaejoong through the glass wall......and, if you don’t think this is the longest, most boringest fanaccount in the world so far......I do have more to tell you. Ah God have mercy, they stood outside the restaurant for a while to chat before they got in their vans, and you know what it also meant?
It meant that I WAS FREE TO GAWK NOW THAT THEY WERE OUTSIDE!!! WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Lord have mercy indeed!!!
So, I will be back, with Part 2 tomorrow, and as promised, the link to the article, “Even Cassies Have Had to Grow Up, Too, “ and I hope you like it. Bless our boys. They seemed well, at least for the moment, and I know that soothed my heart, as I continue to appreciate all the joy that they’ve brought into my life. Who knew such inspiration could come from following a boy band? I wouldn’t have believed you if not for DBSK!!! So, ATKF, ladies....see you tomorrow!
Anyhow, lets get down to business. So yesterday afternoon around 2:30pm I was close to K-town and wanted to grab a quick bite from a trip to the supermarket deli, yet as I drove there (I was already in the parking lot), I all of sudden changed my mind and decided to go to another restaurant down the street. Instead of picking up food, I thought I deserved an actual sit-down meal, even if just a short one, to cheer myself up since I woke up feeling really sad. Due to this sad mood, when I walked into the restaurant, I was rather absent-minded. I did notice, however, that the waitress that usually was very friendly and quick to point me to a seat seemed rather distracted, and kept speaking to me in Korean without letting me know where to sit. I was slightly confused since I didn’t speak Korean. As she was speaking to me from behind the counter, out of my peripheral vision, I knew right next to me near the entrance was this big group of patrons who occupied two tables, but I didn’t pay any attention to them. I just wanted to find a seat that was on the corner of the restaurant so that I could sit down with my book to hide and console myself with a good meal. I stood pretty close to that big group of patrons, and as I was trying to get a hint from the older Korean waitress a sense of where to go (very nice ajumma by the way: I’ve always liked her) I moved several times, each time just a couple of steps since I was unsure of where to go, around that big group of people (I think around 8-10), trying to gauge where I wanted to sit. That took a couple of minutes. In hindsight, I realized that I was probably less than one feet away from all three of them at one point, but I didn’t realize that at the time, and again I am jumping ahead of myself. (BUT HOW CAN YOU NOT BE EXCITED, HUH? I AM STILL IN SHOCK!)
Anyhow, I quickly spotted this table at the corner of the restaurant. The restaurant wasn’t very big, and all the tables were aligned in one direction, except for the one that I picked for myself. I hadn’t even noticed that table before from my previous trips to the restaurant: it was strangely positioned in a way that it had the whole view of the place (meaning that instead of being part of the rows of tables, it was not included in those rows and stood separately on its own at the corner, hence offering a great view of the entire place without me having to turn my head if I sat with my back to the wall.) I picked that table because, ironically enough, I wanted some space from everyone and I did choose to sit with my back against the wall since I didn’t want anyone behind me. I sat down, let out a breath, and thought to myself “oh thank God” since I was feeling so very antisocial and tired from my day already, and that was when I heard a voice that I thought really familiar to me so I looked up: when I looked up, I thought I saw the profile of someone who looked incredibly like Yoochun. At that instant, all the blood must have gone to my face as I felt this tremendous heat rush EXPLODED in my body and I almost fell of the chair. I quickly looked down because I didn’t want to look like I was crazy and I wanted to take a deep breath to compose myself (HOLY SHIT, AM I HALLUCINATING?) but I quickly looked up again (HOW CAN YOU NOT?) and did a double take: WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH IT WAS YOOCHUN BECAUSE, BECAUSE RIGHT NEXT TO HIM WAS SOMEONE WHO LOOKED LIKE JUNSU! HOLY JESUS SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!! THERE CAN’T POSSIBLY TWO LOOK ALIKES ALL AT THE SAME TIME?! RIGHT?! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I still want to scream!!! IT’S JYJ RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES!!!)
But at the same, I took another deep breath as I realized that these are some super sharp sensitive people because it was like they had eyes on the back of their heads: I mean Junsu and Yoochun. As shocked/excited as I was, I am pretty positive that all that I let out was a sharp intake of breath and a few seconds of intense staring just to verify what my eyes were seeing (you know that sensation that you couldn’t believe your own eyes, like the brain was just not capable of registering what was happening....I mean, I LOVE these boys! I watch them every morning on my laptop before I go to work! I watch them when I get home after work! I know the details of all of their TV shows like the back of my hand and listen to their music in the car! But, but......what was I seeing? THEM!!!!! WAAAAAH THE WORLD HAD STOP TO MAKE SENSE IN THE MOST CRAZY AND WONDERFUL WAY.) Yet as intense as I was feeling, I am usually also pretty good at keeping things internal when I need to so I was surprised how quickly Yoochun and Junsu turned to survey the corner where I was sitting like they picked up something. They eyes simply surveyed the corner and didn’t linger more than a second which didn’t surprise me: of course I feel like I’ve known them forever and to them I am just a complete stranger, and in a way I was glad to see how alert they were. It was less than a second that they glanced towards my direction before they focused back on their meal (yet enough to scare the crap out of me because I didn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. I mean, I can completely understand why fangirls chase them down and want a piece of them, and at the same time my heart aches a little for the lack of privacy they suffer and it pleases me so to know that they could enough a meal without people gawking at them, so I really tried to refrain myself.)
At that point, it was obvious that Yoochun was really comfortable with the waitress apparently, since he tilted his head to ask for the waitress to bring him something in Korean. (The waitress at this point had completely forgotten my existence. I had to wait for a long time and finally rang the bell before she came to get my order, but really, I seriously don’t have any complaints.) The way he asked for her attention was very young-ish, like an adorable child (but of course he’s a young man now) and at that instant I could really FEEL how and why he was so popular and captured the hearts of so many, despite how casually dressed he was at that moment (Here’s another funny thing. Just yesterday morning before I left for work I was watching this video clip of the boys being interviewed by Mnet, and they were being asked who was the most poorly dressed offscreen and the boys said: “Yoochun” and proceeded to describe how, when offscreen, Yoochun usually dressed in sweats and Yoochun, in his defense, replied that was because he wanted to be able to practice anywhere when he wanted to. And lord and behold: what did I see him wear when I ran into them? A simply gray T-shirt and black sports shorts/knee length and, ding ding ding, SANDALS! LOL! Those you hardcore fans know what I am talking about: true to his word, this was the guy who tried and pushed the limit and wore his sandals into the winter season in Japan. Guess it worked out well for him that it was warm in LA right now. :) Of the three, he definitely was the most casually dressed, with his hair pulled back into a very cute teeny tiny short ponytail (lots of bobby pins involved) and no makeup, but to those of you who are Yoochun biased: no, that doesn’t take away his star quality WHATSOEVER. It seemed to me that Yoochun, out of the three, perhaps felt the need to withdraw the most when faced with the things or people that he didn’t know or feel comfortable with. His facial expressions changed subtly yet informed varying degrees of pulling back quite well: I felt like I could sense the so very sensitive soul that really needed a sense of needed protection underneath this occasional aloofness. Since they were constantly in the public eye, and for any sensitive person that meant a tremendous amount of incoming energy on a daily basis, I can only imagine his need for some space. I don’t want to digress too much but allow me to say that I felt like I observed this tendency in all three of them: this brilliant and shining opening of their being when faced towards one another (you could really feel the love oh it’s SO REAL) that just takes your breath away (some serious charm), and the need to distance and protect oneself from the endless spotlight that did not turn off even as they stopped performing on stage, so of course they needed to shield themselves somewhat. From that perspective, I could really appreciate every part of Yoochun even as he appeared a little more aloof than the rest (in my opinion) and put his back up a bit more than the other two. (I would never forget how he cried for his brother and himself on YSMM. Beautiful. Certainly showed a very sensitive and caring soul that needs privacy and space in order to feel safe and blossom, and boy did he show us his talents during these years.)
But Junsu, ah Junsu was entirely another story (but as I said, I observed that tendency in all three of them: just perhaps least in Junsu, and as a matter of fact I think it’s something all celebrities must learn in order to cope with their fame, but let me shut up about this already, sorry ladies. I know you are dying to hear more about the actual details so here it comes.) Since I felt self-conscious to keep staring, I did look down at my book and I tried to act normal so that they could continue to enjoy their meal without interruption. There were very few patrons in the restaurant as it was already 3pm in the afternoon, and the few tables that knew who they were kept their distance as well, but friendly. I did, however, OPENED UP MY EARS SO BIG so I could feel into what was going on at the other table. And truth be told, there was no way to miss Junsu’s raspy voice anywhere you went. Kya kya kya kya kya it brought me up joy to hear his exuberant voice and occasional laughter. (OH THANK GOD HE SEEMS RECOVERED). Even though I didn’t know what they were saying exactly, but the intonation felt very cheerful, with some fatigue mixed in perhaps, but overall it really felt so very sweet. They were relatively quiet, but I recognized all of their voices (I was the one who had trouble breathing) and it was SO NICE to feel their energy: peaceful, familiar, with a true feeling of family thrown in there because of the natural intimacy that you could pick up from being around them. It was really amazing. I was SO HAPPY to see Junsu looking so well (the boy was well dressed! He had on some kind of informal gray suit jacket and I don’t remember what else he was wearing....sorry ladies....his face was so adorable that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I think he had some makeup on and his hair was styled....ah Charisma Junsu-san. Yep, you sure can intoxicate as many as you want now......)
BUT! BUT! YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND! I AM COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, 100% JAEJOONG BIASED! (Although I really, truly, sincerely love ALL FIVE and I pay great attention to them all. NOTHING is going to stop me from going to SM TOWN Live this Sep, not even my hatred for SM: I LOVE HOMIN and that’s what counts. I will support them any way I can.) So, I was anxious to find Jaejoong (Yoochun and Junsu sat with their profile towards my direction so I could see them VERY WELL and CLEAR every time I looked up, but I didn’t see Jaejoong right away.) Turned out that he was sitting across from from Junsu at the opposite end of the table and the person sitting next to Yoochun was blocking my view and I had to maneuver a bit to get a glimpse of Jaejoong and MY GOD HE WAS BEAUTIFUL. He is truly blessed with exceptional beauty. From the distance you see great his skin was and how delicate his facial features were.....aaaah I could faint. I didn’t want to look too intently so I tried to find him without being too obvious, yet just like the other two, he was really, really, very sensitive and knew what was going on around him quite well, although you could tell that he was probably used to people gawking at him (which, again, hurts my heart a little although I am really happy that he finally got what he wanted when he was younger: I’d never forget his honest admission of wanting popularity on X-man during “Of Course” with Changmin.....Ah I miss my soul fighters....T_T). So, I tried to look away quickly whenever I looked up for a glance of him (I think at one point he looked at my direction again like he sensed something and we had one second of eye contact like I did with the other two, although they certainly weren’t looking at me but merely surveying the environment......BUT SURE YOU KNOW HOW SHOCKING THAT WAS TO MY SYSTEM.....oh bless my heart it’s still beating so fast.) However, at another point, (WAHWAHWAH I FEEL SO LUCKY) the staff people sat next to Yoochun got up and went to the bathroom so it was WIDE OPEN between Jaejoong and I, meaning that it was a CLEAR VIEW (since he was sitting at the opposite end of the table, that meant I wasn’t seeing his profile. I was looking at him DIRECTLY.) Jaejoong looked sad, I won’t lie, but occasionally he would smile this most tender, genuine smile that just melted your heart when the two or staff spoke to him. I swear, I would never forget that moment when his face went from this somewhat forlorn expression to this beautiful blossoming of a smile. It was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve seen, (and yes, I know, he’s just a human being as well but so am I, so projection really is inevitable here, hee hee.) This continued for a while, my looking down and looking back up and looking down and looking back up and keeping my ears wide open to capture everything (meanwhile my food was served yet I kid you not, my hand was shaking a little and I felt so stupid and tried to hold it steady.) Eventually, they got up to leave. I had told myself that I would look up fast enough when Jaejoong stood up to see his whole person, yet I tell you! That boy FLEW OR SOMETHING!!! As I heard the chairs rustling I looked up and Jaejoong was already out of the door (WHAT? WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOO!), while Junsu and Yoochun lingered at the table for a long time. I was sad, but, guess what? The restaurant had glass walls so, YEP LADIES, I could still see Jaejoong through the glass wall......and, if you don’t think this is the longest, most boringest fanaccount in the world so far......I do have more to tell you. Ah God have mercy, they stood outside the restaurant for a while to chat before they got in their vans, and you know what it also meant?
It meant that I WAS FREE TO GAWK NOW THAT THEY WERE OUTSIDE!!! WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Lord have mercy indeed!!!
So, I will be back, with Part 2 tomorrow, and as promised, the link to the article, “Even Cassies Have Had to Grow Up, Too, “ and I hope you like it. Bless our boys. They seemed well, at least for the moment, and I know that soothed my heart, as I continue to appreciate all the joy that they’ve brought into my life. Who knew such inspiration could come from following a boy band? I wouldn’t have believed you if not for DBSK!!! So, ATKF, ladies....see you tomorrow!
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