Even Cassies Have to Grow Up Too

Junsu, Yoochun, Jaejoong, Changmin, and Yunho.

Five names that invoke a strong image: Dong Bang Shin Ki, or Tohoshinki if you were in Japan, but an image that generally connotes something almost to mythical proportions these days, especially in the young hearts of countless females around the globe. Yet what is this image? For many, it points to something entirely beyond words: purity, innocence, joy, this incredible spirit full of life, exuberance and fun. And at the same time, within the joy the names also symbolize a sense of determination, strength combined with vulnerability, the brotherhood of all-for-one, and one-for-all. These names provoke the image of this incredible collective energy of striving one’s wildest wishes, passion and dreams, dreams that only the bravest dreamers dare to dream. And in some ways, it would seem that these five boys captured their dreams. Or so we thought. I mean the Cassies, the fans that follow this infamous South Korean boy band who had now managed to penetrate the general psyche of so many all over the world, the band of boys that inspires such feelings of fascination, admiration, and genuine love with the rawness of their insanely publicly documented and viewable lives. Their wit, their broad range of talents, their process and growth of evolving from shy, timid teenagers that dared to dream and were willing to sacrifice all in order to become the stars that they are today. And fast forward to now: the underbelly of what could be the shadow that we had not seen before up until the past year. The underlying greed stemming from 13 year contracts, the manipulative nature of the entertainment business, the invisible hands that seem to control their fate, and the ugliness of human division and conflicts and the pain that could rise from such happenings.

Innocence is meant to be lost; all cultures across the board depict such tragedies.

So even the Gods fought between themselves, and had to know the bittersweetness of sorrow and pain. I mean Cassies knew that these boys can endure with a capital E: most of them had been through hell and back. We know that in their attempts of getting ahead, being chosen, and standing for what they wanted, they had to survive poverty, hunger, injuries, threats, criticisms, intense insecurities, scrutiny, opposition, and finally they were able to stand at the top of the hill and be recognized for the persons they’ve had managed to become, against all odds. Top entertainers, singers, dancers, practically a cultural phenomenon onto itself for tens and thousands of fans that wanted love, comfort, joy and hope. Our boys stood for these things, these priceless ideals, and this was the image they created that we LOVE. This unbreakable bond between the boys that have had always, always wanted the same things: to band together and to shine. To shine in spite of the darkness in the night sky, perhaps to shine even more so because of going against the darkness of the night sky, and certainly it was no accident that their fan club was named after one of the most beautiful constellations in the night sky: Cassiopeia. The shape of the letter W, a miracle turned upside down perhaps if you were to invert the letter M, and that takes us to where we are today.

Upside down. Miracle gone awry, at least for now.

Yes, even Cassies have had to grow up, too, as we now watch the five members cry, stumble, and worst of all, leave one another behind in some way shape or form. Gone were the days of getting into position to ready themselves for the public (who could forget how Jaejoong called for “Changmin, Changmin, Changmin” that one time Changmin wasn’t by his side during the A-nation interview?). Gone were the days of playing paper, rock, scissor to decide who was going to do the dishes, the easy, simple laughter from just being together, and the moments of all that they needed were one another. No more trips back and forth between the airports and numerous destinations as one group, no more automatic flanking to protect one another when situations arose where they needed each other’s help, no more singing, dancing, performing on the stage as one group, and no more, my god, no more goofing around as five like the innocent spirits that they were that we loved ever so dearly. No, no more Jaejoong running in front of the camera yelling “Nandayo, nandayo, nandayo?” while Yoochun looked on with playful contempt on his face. No more Changmin getting in front of the camera and talking about how his eyes were charming while his hyungs creating all sorts of ruckus in the background to drive him nuts during the interview. No more Junsu losing himself in the dance and performing by himself for ten whole seconds with the rest of the members cracking up and pulling him back to wrap up the performance. No more Yoochun chewing a mouthful of food in the back seat of the van yet ever so adoringly joining in on Junsu and Jaejoong’s harmony in front of the camera. No more Yunho getting down on his knees praying right before being raised up onto the stage as the magnificent leader dancer that took our breath away in the beginning of Rising Sun. God knows only how much it took for the five boys to get to that level of intuitive cohesiveness: it was such an amazing process so much so that, all over the world, Cassies stood and watched with bated breath and such immense ever-growing amazement and love. God knows only how much these boys had sacrificed and risked to get to where they are today. God only knows. Sure they gained so much, but who knows how much they’ve lost along the way?

Yet, we know.

Yeah, we know, or at least we can imagine more than anyone else from watching how they’ve grown together to guess how much they depended on one another. We watched. We searched the net for any and every of viewable moments of their lives. We translated and subbed all of them so Cassies all over the world joined hands whether we knew one another or not (and who, who do you think inspired this kind of togetherness?) We know. We watched. We saw. We saw Jaejoong peeling open the sausages faster than anyone on the Hey Hey Hey show and how happy the members were so much so they burst into the group hugs that brought such smiles to all of our faces: ah how innocent our boys were. We saw how Changmin was shy in front of the camera and wouldn’t speak much while being interviewed, yet persisted to ask Jaejoong if he was going to marry the motorcycle if he loved it so much once he was alone with his hyungs. We saw Junsu playfully singing teletubbies one moment in the van and blowing us all out of the water singing passionately Asu Wa Kuru Kara the next. We saw Yoochun’s epic falling flat on his bottom while attempting to perform Tae Kwon Do, bringing us such joy with his silliness . We saw Yunho always jumping ahead to support and protect his members again and again throughout the endless interviews. We know, and I know, that we can all easily name and count even more these moments: like that one time when Yoochun couldn’t barely keep his eyes open during the interview at Deep Sea Fish during the early days in Japan and how he joked to say that he was not only weak in the mornings but at night also. That one time when Changmin said of course he wanted to share with his hyungs but first he had to survive most of all (and who doesn’t know that the size of his stomach was the equivalent of the entire universe?) That one time when Junsu played with the Japanese fans and yelled out “Who’s that?” That one time when Jaejoong getting depressed during an interview because he used way too many emoticons while texting the members, or that one time he said to Changmin, “Ye, Yoochun is dying!” Or that one time when Yunho talked about how he had to sleep in subway stations and how, even so, he still managed to always smile brilliantly and showed us his bravery in always giving us the best, most he’s got? You remember, right? All of those moments? The boys gave us the best parts of their lives to be shared by hundreds and thousands of fans, and we are not even getting into all the beautiful couple moments and already we are moved by the love that we were lucky enough to witness and embrace all these years. We woooed and ahhhhed over their each little movements and words like we would little babies, perhaps because we knew we were watching something great being born. Five amazing talents. Five precious inspirations that started out as awkward, self-conscious and almost ordinary teenage boys that latched onto their dreams and gave it more than their all and somehow managed to collide into one another, over and over and over again, so that they shine like diamonds today. Five, five that made one whole. One brilliant, unimaginable whole that gifted our lives, those of us who are lucky enough to call ourselves that called cassies.

Cassiopeia. Yeah.

You ask me if I am crying. I will tell you that I am.

So yes, even Cassies have had to grow up, too. Peter Pan left never, neverland and Wendy had to grow old. And now Tohoshinki is now leaving theirs, too, even only just for now, and that’s enough to break all of our hearts one some level. Think happy thoughts, the fairy tale says, and I think about how Junsu had to find out that there was no Santa Claus at age 14, and I picture that innocent boy crying and refusing to eat after realizing such truths, and I think about all the Cassies all over the world post July, 2009, and my heart breaks some more. Without knowing why, without having any words to explain any of this, my heart hurts.

Innocence is meant to be lost; all cultures across the board depict such tragedies.

In life, sometimes, irony strikes when we realize that what makes us who we are is also at times precisely what drives us to step into places where we really do not want to go. Ray Charles sings: “Born to lose, born to lose,” yet it does not change how cruel it feels as we learn that love and loss inevitably come together. For so many years, the determination, drive, and talent of the five earned them the success that they had always dreamt of, yet what made me really, truly, madly and deeply fall in love with them was the love that they developed for one another along the way, and I believe that’s true for many of the Cassies: we love them because they are so insanely beautiful, yes. We love them because they are so unbelievably talented and incredibly hardworking, yes. We love them because this, because of that, and yes, yes, yes, but ultimately, I believe that we love them because it is one of the rarest gifts in the world to see such genuine love they have for one another as a whole.

So what do you do when you love someone so much and you just want different things, too, while all of you strong personalities that are capable of moving mountains through your hard work? When you think about it, it is not that uncommon of a dilemma: so many people have conflicts in desires as each person grows, right? It is literally impossible that we all grow the same way, towards the same directions, and at the same speed. No right or wrong, just human nature. If for one second we step out of fandom and look around our world: there’s a reason why the divorce rate is over 60% in the US and on the rising all over the world. There’s a reason why people crave fairy tale endings of happily ever-afters because it is just practically unheard of these days now. Is it because there’s a shortage of love? I really don’t think so, for if there were no love surely there would not be such pain in people’s eyes whenever they go through loss, right? So what is it then? Growing pains? Is it truly inevitable that as we grow stronger and stronger everyday, we then inadvertently develop the courage and desire to let go of what needs to change, no matter how much it hurts to let it go? I sometimes feel like that’s the surprising and most hurtful thing: none of us foresees these heartbreaks, and they usually creep up on us in the midst of intense contentment and happiness. I remember the members saying how their team work was really at its best for DBSK back in 2008 (AADBSK3), and you know what? I believe them. I really, really do! I do, which is why I feel for them even more: innocence is meant to be lost, and indeed when sorrow comes, it comes in battalions. When facing loss, all of us can feel ambushed, blindsided, and painfully broken down. All cultures, throughout human history, depict images of such broken-heartedness and tragedies. Romeo had to die, and Juliet never came back to life like Snow White did.

And maybe just like the boys once sang: no pain, no gain. Only this time it was not just a song on their album anymore, but what’s happening in their lives. And in this case, in the case of DBSK and their Cassies, this is pain with a capital P, especially if this is your first real encounter with the ever changing nature of life. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how much you want it to, and sometimes you don’t even have the words to describe how you feel, so in silence you feel even more lonely and lost.

Where can we feel safe again? I imagine the boys secretly asking inside themselves, and these are boys that had known pain before. These are boys who went through hell and back to get to where they are today, so what happens now if today’s loss also brings up yesterday’s unresolved issues? Jaejoong was abandoned by his birth mom and Yunho was poisoned. Jaejoong had to starve while Yunho had to sleep on the street. Junsu went through three years of not knowing if he could ever sing properly again. Yoochun had to see his parents separate, adjust to a new country and eventually leave his dongseng behind. Changmin was only fifteen when he was thrown into the adult world. So yeah, I believe these are boys who know what it feels like to feel scared, abandoned, lonely, and all other meanings of pain, and certainly I am SO PROUD of their overcoming all obstacles from the past. I imagine their love for one another must have had been the one good thing that served as a rock to help them to heal from all these events, so really, must they go through any more pain than they already did? Must they experience loss in this one good thing of their lives, the knowing that no matter what happens, that they have their members to rely on?

Don’t ask me if I am crying, because if you do I will tell you that I am.

Jaejoong can no longer cook for his members like the umma, and Yunho can no longer care nor protect the boys like the appa. Gone were the happy days of the DBSK family lounging around backstage, feeding one another kimchi (oh my Jaemin), cuddling together to watch DVDs, or leaning into one another resting together, joyfully waiting to perform. Instead, we see Changmin looking thinner and thinner, Yunho saying during magazine interview that there were time that he really wanted to cry, too, if given the opportunity. Junsu and Jaejoong breaking down during the Dome concerts in June, and finally, the words from Yoochun stating that he thought about giving up on it all, even if it’s all that he’s ever known. And really, isn’t the stage all that they’ve ever known, these five boys?

In some sense, THEY ARE ALL THEY’VE GOT, AREN’T THEY? What is happiness and success if you have no one to share it with? If the one person that you want to share with the most is no longer by your side?

I mean think about it, who else in this world would know what it felt like to walk 300 feet in the airport and in those few minutes being touched, groped even, by hundreds of hands that came out of nowhere? Who else would know what it felt like to constantly have to change phone numbers and each time only to be told by their stalker fans that such acts were futile and that no details of their lives were too small to be left alone? Who else knows what it feels like to try to register at websites to purchase something only to realize that their identity no longer belonged to them and instead stolen? Who else knows it feels like to sleep only 3 or 4 hours a day and have to be “on” each time the camera rolls? Who knows what it feels like to sleep in the backseat of a van or on a hard chair sitting up straight in order not to mess up the styling so the show could continue? Who else would know what it felt like to have to start all over again in another country to pursue that hard-earned success and only to later return to their homeland with such trepidation that they may have had been forgotten in the midst of intense competition? Loved they were by many, yet who else knew their souls as they did with one another? Who could truly understand them? Who else could’ve had really related to them except for them? As their sunbae BoA said to them: “It was a gift that you had each other.” She was right. As hard as it all was, they didn’t have to do it alone. They did it with one another. They did it TOGETHER. As a team. As brothers, during the most formative years of their lives. They did it. All five of them, as a whole. A bond beyond family or friends, since no one else could really be in their shoes or even knew where to begin such imagination. Really, who else would know it felt like to be so isolated that talking to crows and aliens brought comfort, and who else knows what it feels like to be surrounded screaming fans wherever you went? God knows what it may feel like to be loved by so many. We see that stars shine. We did not know that stars die, too, literally, exploding into thin air, creating new planets through such acts. None of us wants to grow up, yet all of us grows old.

You see the tears in my heart now? Because I feel like I see yours, and I wonder if you feel the helplessness that I feel, too. Jaejoong, you said that grown man only cried with their hearts. Are you crying now? Are all of you crying inside your hearts now? Because I imagine that Cassiopeia is, and no, we are not saying bye bye bye my love. NO. We are nowhere near saying that, even if we feel this piercing pain of the not knowing and being scared at the same time. And sometimes even anger comes up when the helplessness just feels like more than what we can bear, while underneath it all our teary hearts perhaps just like your own. That is, if Jaejoong was right about how grown men only cry with their hearts.

And of course we believe you, Jaejoong.

How can we not?

And I bet you that Yunho did cry, too, or at least I choose believe that he did. I am willing to bet all that I got on it, too. Not that I would ever want him to, but I bet you at some point Yunho did cry those same tears like the three did during the dome concert stage this June. I bet you that, at some point, even our strong Changmin teared up, like he did during the 2008 MKMF where we saw his pure heart, only this time he was no longer surrounded by his hyungs. I know I did, as the rest of the hundreds of thousands of Cassies, looking around the Dome stage, wondering what’s going to happen next.

Nobody knows.

And so in our tears may we be freed, Dear God. In our pain and grief may we learn to recognize the beauty of this love as it now teaches us the necessity of goodbye, for the hope of coming back together one day, in ways that we could not even imagine before.

A famous poet named Gibran once wrote:

“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.”

And as perfect and wonderful as the boys are, they too have to go through this process of individuating, learning to fumble, cry out in pain, so that they are given the opportunity to realize who they really are, just like the rest of us. And in some ways, as heartbreaking as it is, I feel SO PROUD in their courage, ALL OF THEM, to stand for what they want once again even if it means losing it all, especially knowing that all of them had more to lose than anyone else. Some people may doubt their love for one another since they didn’t all make the same choices, then to those I say one day love will teach you too what it means to experience heartbreak: sometimes that’s the fastest way to open your heart even more as you grow.

Did I ever doubt their love? Maybe just for one split second due to the shock, and that I am only human as well, and think silly thoughts like all of us do. Yet, what really matters is that if they ever doubted their love for one another in this past year? They are only young men in their early twenties, after all, so how equipped are they to deal with this kind of conflict with one another, their most beloved members? I wonder if this is partly the true cause behind all Cassies’ pain? It’s like watching your favorite couple getting divorced, knowing that they still love one another, yet there’s just nothing that you could do because you are only an outsider in a way? No. Don’t say goodbye. Don’t leave me now. This song that you once sang for us, Junsu, Yoocun, Jaejoong, Changmin, and Yunho, I wonder if you are singing that to each other now?


I don’t think I have to ask you if you are crying, at least inside. (Jaejoong was a smart guy, wasn’t he? To say that you cry in your heart, too?)

If you love DBSK, then you feel the heartache that they are feeling now, too, so yeah, even Cassies have to grow up, too. In some ways, we are being asked to grow stronger, that we no longer look to the boys for answers or resolutions, because it’s just obvious that they are scared, too, and they are doing the best they know how to continue (and how can you not love such brave boys, all five of them)? It may not have been a happy day when Gods were revealed only to be human, but it sure was a real day. And if you can learn to forgive their imperfections, accept their humanness, and grow to love what’s real, even when it’s not pretty, then loving DBSK has really, truly, touched your life in a way that’s changing who you are as a person.

If you can learn to let the boys grow the way they need to and love them anyway, then, my dearest Cassies, you have, in a sense, learned to touch the most beautiful quality that love has to offer.

Love is unconditional, my dearest, and forgiveness is worth more than gold.

So, in that vein, I look forward to see what happens next, actually. There’s just no way in the world for me to believe that these five won’t find some way, somehow, to come back together and to connect with one another. I don’t know if this means that they would come back as DBSK, or when, and I get upset by the endless news of lawsuits as well. Yet none of that really matters anymore, because I really, truly believe that somehow, some way, more than I can ever imagine because my brain can only hold so much and miracles happen in ways I can’t even think of, that love will guide them back to one another in this life. Because love is what informs faith, and theirs is a kind of love that I can never forget. So, I believe they won’t, either.

“I believe in you gutaer barabonun i shison gadur
 Naega gago inun gutaer hyanghan maum modu dama bonaeri

Nomu swibge durgigo shipji anhun nae maum argo inayo

Gutae narur hurjjok ttonaborir goman gathun turyourggaji


(I believe in you...
I will send all my feelings for you through the the way I look at you
Do you know how my heart feels?
How I want to keep the feelings I have for you hidden?
Even the fearful feelings for when you might leave me one day?)~~~"Miduhyo"

Remember how Micky sang to us?

“I can’t let you go?”

And so, Junsu, Yoochun, Jaejoong, Changmin, and Yunho, we won’t, either.

We will set you free, and we won’t never, ever, let you go.

“So turn the light out

Interact with a little piece of dream

Sound brighter,
we all want the same sound

And I can't help the tears

I told you I'm your freedom like a bird going through the sky

What are we, just a big christmas tree at night?”

Quiet honestly, sometimes I just don’t get Micky’s English if I only look at the words and think about it. Yet, it doesn’t change how it touches my heart and makes it open, and that’s what matters the most. We may not understand, but we can still love.

“You know there's like a moment that

Fading fight between you and I

And I'd rather hope than make you sad and cry

What I just wanna say is

Keep the faith, the faith never is born in us

It can't take us, there is many different cases”

No, it can’t, DBSK. Nothing can take us, us Cassies that stand by your side, all of you, and yet, this time, the faith is born in us.

And you are the reason why.